WHAT NOT TO DO ON WINTER BREAK
1. Get bored while visiting the cousins because of the torrential rains.
2. Decide to sew original monsters with six children 10 years old and under.
3. Take the six aforementioned children to a small local thrift store.
4. Choose six pieces of fabric for the six children, including some of which are old sheets.
5. Pause slightly before commanding the six children to leave the recently purchased fabric inside their plastic bags until they can be washed.
6. Begin your command to leave the fabric in the sacks and then realize that the six children have already torn open the sacks of fabric like rabid foxes and are now enthusiastically waving the bundles of fabric all over their hair.
7. Stare back at the frolicking fabric covered children and say–“Aw Heck, what could happen?”–to oneself.
8. Wash the fabric thoroughly, only after the 5 minute car ride.
9. Happily sew six original fabric monsters.
10. Decide to do fun things with hair the next day.
11. Look down into the recently fabric fluffed hair of one of the 6 children.
12. Discover lice eggs.
13. Rush to the store for fabulously expensive lice shampoo, combs, sprays, and combing gel.
14. Wildly scrub six children with horrible horrible stinky stuff that makes them cry and claim that they can no longer breath or stand or live.
15. Comb and comb and comb through the hair of the six children while they cry out in agony and cold.
16. Clean one room of the house within an inch of its life and lock all of the cleansed children within with cartoon playing devices.
17. Clean the house, including curtains and couches and floors and…everything.
18. Spray everything with lice destroying vapors.
19. Get another room cleansed so that the six children can finally sleep.
20. Put nasty hair stuff on yourself so that you can barely breath and stand and live.
21. Start washing every single item in the house that is made of fabric or pseudo-fabric.
22. Throw out a lot of stuff.
23. Stay up until 2:30am watching cheesy romances while your hair is being searched through for lice and you in turn comb through your sister-in-law’s hair with a nit comb.
24. Fall into bed trying to ignore the psychosomatic itching that creeps across your scalp.
25. Finally realize that you must check your own three children’s hair for bugs every day for the next 2 weeks.
26. Wonder how well your husband will check your own hair.
How was your winter break?