Breaking News

I (resident) received an important revelation about the end of the world via our mail box this week. I peeked into our cute little mail receptacle, hoping for a new library book or maybe a long awaited reply to one of my many queries but instead I pulled out an over-sized color post card. A nine day prophecy seminar was coming to the small town near us. Among other benefits to attending I would receive: Inner peace, The joy of everlasting love, and a free gift every night!

But the best part was the picture on the front. Edged in purple and gold the painting depicted a blackened city in the distance, a large body of water that appeared to be polluted had several sinking ships washing about in its depths, a cute little house with a brick chimney (just like my grandparents old parsonage) rested near a huge crack that zigged across their lawn opening into the depths of the earth, power lines were falling, fissures were opened in the road, cars lay on their sides or piled up like giant’s playthings, the heavens were dark with purple clouds, Christ clad in crown and robe stood at the center of a bright light and His angels played trumpets and beckoned, but on a hillside stood the beleaguered saints lifting their arms to the heavens, they wore steel blue suits and calf length dresses sporting long white callers, horned rimed classes and 60’s hair styles, there was one black couple in the bunch but the lady wore some kind of choir robe with a huge sash, did all people of color in the 60’s belong to the choir? Anywho, my careful examination of this incredible post card gave me a shocking conclusion about the end times.

Studies of Revelation are now officially hopeless! The prophecy seminar might be nice but what is the point. For according to this illustrious postcard…Christ has already returned, in the 60’s. And apparently the modern haircut is the mark of the beast so unless you are using curlers…your gonna burn baby! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ah. Choke, choke, cough, cough. Ok, now I can’t even spell ha. Things are obviously deteriorating.