Me–Reading a quote to Scruff from the romance I was enjoying. “‘Would he ever plumb the depths of her generous heart?’ So, should I say that to you?”

Scruff–“Hmmm . . . “

Ragnar–“Not plumb . . . maybe dredge!”

*

Ragnar–“That’s jarring.”

Shazam!!–“Jolly?”

Ragnar’s response is to attack Shazam!! and they wildly wrestle through the living room.

Ragnar–As he pins his brother to the couch–“I’m bigger, I’m better, I’m too much for Mr. Incredible!”

*

Hiccup–Shows us an illustration from his new book–“So, looking at this, what do you think the book is about?”

A difficult question as that particular illustration shows a dragon standing on a submarine facing a wizard and an alien creature that has too many arms each of which has too many fingers.

Shazam!!–“That’s what Theo is (Ragnar) going to look like when he’s old!”

*

Shazam!!–“Judah’s (Hiccup) not paying attention!”

Hiccup–“You’re not doing anything.”

Shazam!!–“I’m being Holly Jolly! …And festive!”

*

Ragnar was holding back Nessie while I hid a blanket she’d been attacking

Me–“Cry havoc and unleash the hounds of war!” as a signal that he could let her go.

Ragnar–“I don’t think she’s a hound of war. More like a hound of gluttony!”

*

Me–“It smells like something’s burning.”

Scruffy–“It’s my love for you.”

Hiccup–“Most people don’t have lines like that,” said with perhaps a bit of sarcasm, “and they don’t stay single for long.” 

The post Boy Quotes–Christmas Edition! appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Me–Sniffs away tears as our son prepares to move.

Judah–“What could you have possibly done to prepare? Besides learn to put the toilet paper on the dispenser. Every time I use your bathroom I have to do it myself.”

We are definitely going to miss all that delightful sarcasm. Love my boys!

*

Theo–While swimming in the river–“Ow, I hurt my finger trying to push Brennan under the water.” Brennan pops up from beneath the rushing river, gasps for air, and attacks Theo one more time.

*

Scruffy and boys playing games …

Brennan–“I can’t decide who to attack.”

Judah–“Just roll a die.” He eats some of his own stash of sour gummy worms.

Brennan–“Roll me some of those and I’ll attack Dad.”

Judah–Gives Brennan a handful of sour gummies.

Brennan–Attacks his Dad and then looks at Scruffy and says, “You should have raised your son with more integrity.”

Scruffy–“But I still get a Dad tax,” as he takes a worm.

*

Theo–says a dad joke of some kind.

Me–“You’re not allowed to use dad jokes, you’re not a dad.”

Judah–“Yes he is!”

Me–“What? He’s a dad?”

Gasps of horror from all three sons.

*

Theo–The girls he works with in the kitchen buy him 4 gallons of sweet tea and leave them on his desk while we are on vacation. Also, a piece of pie. He is thrilled and proceeds to guzzle the tooth-rotting drink straight from the jug. He has also been hankering to watch a zombie show, even though I am not a zombie fan.

Theo–“I’m drinking this sweet tea right in front of you, Mom!”

Me–“You should brush your teeth.

Theo–“I would brush my teeth even more if we watched something with zombies.”

So what do you think? Is this a good way to get a seventeen-year-old to brush more???

*

Back when we were building Legos together at Christmas time

Me–“Look at how fast I’m going–Oops!”

Judah–“Just like Theo’s driving.”

Theo–Deeply offended–“Hey, I drive better than Mom Legos!”

*

Brennan–“Graaaaak Srobaroiiiiiii Arkulb!”

Judah–“Ah, the unhinged Brennan noises return.”

He has been accused of sounding like a Chupacabra when he makes his random Brennan sounds.

*

I am trying to communicate with the boys and Judah hears me but Brennan does not.

Me–“I’m not sure if your headphones are more powerful or if your ears are less powerful than Judah’s.”

Brennan–“My ears are definitely less powerful. He has hyper-colloquialism!”

It is actually hyperacusis, ha!

*

Since Judah moved out, there has been much debate about who will have “The Moose Room” Theo and Brennan’s current room and who will move into Judah’s old room. They both want their own room, but The Moose Room is bigger, has more available shelving (Scruff put boardgames on the shelves in Judah’s room), and has the giant head of a moose that my grandfather bequeathed me. This moose looms over Brennan’s bed looking impressive. It’s a good thing we don’t have very many earthquakes. Theo says because he is older he gets The Moose Room. Brennan says that “Moose Proximity” grants him The Moose Room. They have been arguing for a month with Brennan demanding $30, then $50 and finally $1,000 to make him move. Yes, we are all aware that the bargaining was backwards but did this make them any more reasonable? No, no it did not, ha! I was fine with them sharing a room as we would then have a guest room!

But now, they have come to an agreement. While playing a computer game with Scruff, Judah, Theo, and Brennan all in the same game Theo had some followers that both Scruffy and Brennan wanted. Brennan shouted out this deal: “I’ll move out of The Moose Room for those fifty followers and $30!”

Theo shouted back, “Deal!!!” and the decision was made.

*

Theo to Brennan–“I sneeze better than you can talk!”

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Brennan–“I just want to shoot at a hurricane, OK?”

He said this while trying to explain his desire to move to Florida with his cousin so that they could become “Florida Men.” This comes from the game of choosing a date (such as your birthday) and searching up that date and the phrase “Florida Man” to see what amazing things Florida Man was doing on that day. His brothers were skeptical of his goal … until he mentioned shooting a hurricane which everyone agreed was a worthy task. Hmmm … as a mother, how concerned should I be?

*

Theo–Shouting from The Fire Swamp (his desk area) after I went to bed–“Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, I’m dying!”

Me–I leap out of bed and rush out to save him in my PJs. I see him sitting at his computer. –“I thought you were dying?”

Theo–“We were!”

Ah, the joys and trials of playing computer games with your brothers.

*

Theo–“You’re putting honey on cereal?”

Judah–“It’s corn chex. You always put honey on corn chex. It’s one of the rules of the universe.”

Theo–“Oh, yeah.”

*

Bomber to Scruffy–“I am willing to try TI4 … one time.”

Theo suddenly appears out of nowhere–“TI4?”

Bomber–“TI4 summons Theo even better than spaghetti.”

TI4 stands for Twilight Imperium 4 which is a long and complex boardgame that can easily last ten hours and is a favorite of Theo’s but not of anyone who likes short boardgames. Also, Theo has been eating an entire package of noodles for lunch each day all week. I discovered this when there were no noodles left for cooking.

*

Theo–“The cheese caves are a real place, guys!!!”

Now, Theo is known for his love of interesting maybe-facts and thrilling monster stories and so some family members doubted the existence of these cheese caves. However, they are apparently real! There is some politics involved in the maintenance of cheese caves and this article writer posts their own ideas about that, so if this is abhorrent to you, please just enjoy the photos of cheese!

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Scruff–has either bug bites or a rash. We are discussing which it is and I mention that he must be allergic to something because I sleep right beside him every night and it just doesn’t make sense for a bug to bite him and not me for several nights in a row.

Judah–“Yeah, he must be allergic to something.” Looks at me, “and you sleep right beside him … .”

*

Theo–“I’ve found myself starting to say, ‘Yes, yes.’ Just like Skaven.” These are the rat people in a game he plays.

Judah–“Oh, yeah. They stutter.”

Mom–“The rat people?”

Theo–“Yes, the rat people. They are the embodiment of all that is evil with humanity!”

Judah–“You used to stutter …”

*

I tell Brennan to go to bed, then I get up later to use the bathroom and find him having a candy fight with Bomber (our camp maintenance person) and Theo. They are running around the house, throwing the leftover Halloween candy, mostly Warheads, and shouting. I point out that this is pretty much the opposite of sleeping. They are unimpressed. However, Brennan does reluctantly go to bed.

*

Theo–Betrays his father during a board game and says–“I’ve always got your back!”

Scruffy–“Yeah, with a knife.”

*

Theo–also during a board game–“Awww, I hate being picked on. Makes me feel like a nose.”

*

Playing a game of Lords of Waterdeep

Scruffy–“No! You’ll destroy my self-esteem!”

Theo–“No, you have too much.”

Judah–With much sarcasm–“Your self-esteem is fine.”

*

As I wrestle with the TV remote, trying to go back to the home menu, Brennan is watching me.

Brennan–“I’d like to see a remote-off between Mom and an Amish person.”

Apparently, he thinks that someone who doesn’t use a remote at all just might do better than his mother. Hmmm …

*

While watching a cartoon, I comment on the hanging cloth decoration that is given to one of the characters at the end. A swag, which someone who sews or decorates the church at Christmas time would know what I meant. My three teenage sons and husband are amused as the definition of the word has changed over the years.

Me–“They gave Grunkle Stan a swag at the end.”

Brennan–“Swag?”

Me–“It is a decorative hanging. Kaya uses this as an adjective, but it is also a noun.

Scruffy–“No one uses it that way. You are one of three people who knows this.

Me–“Grandma Judy made them.

Scruffy–“Most people who knew this are dead.”

Me–“See how supportive the man I married is.

Judah–“Oh, but he’s funny!”

Well, that is true. Their father is funny and that counts for a lot when you’re nineteen, ha!

*

My honey–sweetened dark chocolate arrives and my blond son takes an interest in the box.

Theo–“Dark Chocolate Mint Honey Patties!”

Me–“Those are my sugar-free chocolates. They’re basically health food.”

Theo–“You don’t need to be healthy. Who knows how long you’ll last. I need the heath chocolates!”

*

Theo–Walks through the hall and accidentally knocks down Scruff’s Carhart snowsuit.

Theo–“Where has Dad been hanging this?”

Me–“On the pull-up bar.”

Theo–“Really?”

Me–“Yes, will you tell him the error of his ways?”

Theo–“All his ways are errors.”

Gotta love teens, ha! We are blessed to enjoy plenty of pesky dialogue in our household.

Oh, here are a few of those board games that they play with their dad. Much of the pesky dialogue occurs while playing board games. Is it because they are battling each other constantly, pretending to be attacking aliens, train robbers, or backpackers in National Parks?

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Me to Scruffy–“Just put your board games on the shelf. You don’t have to meticulously organize them.”

Scruffy–Stares at me in horror.

Judah–Also stares at me in horror. “You’re supposed to be the voice of reason instead of sowing chaos!”

*

Epona–Asks Theo what his favorite level is on a video game they like.

Theo–Mentions his love of her least favorite level, the one with the zombies.

Epona–“I should have known.”

Theo–“I’m an edgy teenager, of course it is my favorite.”

*

Judah–says something less than complimentary about coffee.

Scruffy–“It sounds to me like you’re dissing coffee … and coffee addiction!”

Epona–“Let’s get him!!!”

*

Scruffy–“Soda is like the unholy combination of both sugar and caffeine.”

*

Theo–Puts a letter in the camp mail that “smells like revenge.” When I ask him to clarify, he explains. “Revenge smells similar to sharpie, but a different kind of sharp!”

*

During staff meeting at camp, a counselor throws a blanket that accidentally slaps me in the face.

Brennan–“Hey, you hit my mom and she’s old and frail!”

*

Theo–“Epona’s why I’m evil.” Looks sternly at Epona. “You’re the real villain!”

*

Me–“Can you go and make yourself a taco, please.”

Theo–“A taco? A taco! You underestimate my consuming powers!”

*

Me–“Theo, you should get rid of that shirt. It’s so thin, I can see your bellybutton.”

Theo–“A bellybutton worthy of Mordor!”

Me– . . . .

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Theo–“Sweden! Those are the guys who ski with machine guns, not Vikings!”

Judah–“You can still ski with a machine gun and be a Viking. I don’t see how those two are mutually exclusive.”

*

Brennan–Hides behind a door wrapped in his tortilla blanket. He leaps out. “Boo!”

Me–“Ahhhhhhhh!”

Brennan–“Tortilla strikes again!”

*

Theo–“I want my hair spatula length.” Our spatula is 14 inches long.

*

Scruffy–Stumbles into the living room and charges toward Theo. “Ow, my toe!”

Theo–Extends a dustpan toward his father. (He was cleaning the bathroom)

Scruffy–Runs into the dust pan. “Ow!”

Theo–“You ran into it yourself. Only you are to blame.”

Scruffy–“But you were brandishing it.”

An argument ensues about whether Theo was or was not brandishing the dustpan! 

*
Bomber– “Spirit Island is to Theo what BBQ sauce is to Brennan.”
*
Chris (Father of 6 girls and 2 boys, on of whom is Kanga)– “God knew I needed all the girls to love on me.”
Boo Boo–“And God gave Scruffy three boys to beat on him.”

*
Theo–“Lettuce tastes like a paper towel, soaked in chemicals, and then made crunchy.”

*

Kanga–When I told her about the Christian novel that only had two options for female characters. Either they were evil or they were homemakers who offered cocoa and cookies to the main characters. Her response to this amazing storytelling device was: “We’re living in the false dichotomy of either evil … or cookies.”

*

Boo Boo–“I guess Washington doesn’t have any palm trees…but with palm trees come tarantulas, so I think I’m okay.
*
Bomber speaking to Kanga–“I don’t care if you’re not here to be attacked. I’m here to attack you!”
*
Kanga– “Sneezes!”
Bomber– “Bless you. Unless you’re plotting against me, in which case may your soul never return to your body.”

(Those who know and love Kanga, will understand how often her attack occur)
*
Theo –Instructing the assistant cook as he was leaving to be a camper–“Prism! You need to bother Kanga! It’s part of the job!”
*
Judah: “You’re pretty hard for anyone to find.”
Scruffy–“No, I’m not.”
Bomber–“Have you ever looked for yourself???”
*
Scruffy–“A serious father would not have survived Theo.”
*
Theo–“I could never trust a clone of myself.”
*
Boo Boo–While working on a writing project–“No! I can’t add more adjectives!! I’m saving those words for squirrel insults!”
*
Epona–“Coffee counts as serotonin, not as a meal.”
*
Judah talking to Kanga after driving her Prius in the snow–“I hope I can buy a car soon so I don’t have to drive your car ever again.”

*

Kanga and Boo Boo are laughing uncontrollably

Judah to Kanga–“That’s an interesting clucking sound you made there.”

More Laughing

Judah–“I’ve never seen such an accurate representation of a feeding chicken before.”

*

We are having dinner with Grandpa Del and Theo has finished.

Theo–“So … can I go home?”

Scruffy–“Yes.”

Me–“Can I at least have a hug?”

Theo–“How about a dismissive gesture?”

He flicks his fingertips lazily in a motherly direction and leaves.

Ah, the joys of parenting teen boys. Ha!

*

Brennan looks up at the ceiling fan in the bathroom

Brennan–“Why is it hanging down like that?”

Me–“Your father was fixing it.”

Scruffy–“Doesn’t it look fixed?”

Brennan–“Yeah, I can tell by the groaning noise it makes and how it’s not put together.”

*

Me–Tells Theo a joke as he is sweeping.

Theo–Groans and pokes at me with a broom. “Back, witch!”

Me–I do my legendary witch cackle! “Remember when I used to say, ‘Obey me or I will cackle like a witch.'”

Theo–“Ug! The memories! No! I call those, ‘The Dark Times.'”

It embarrassed them to no end. A mother has to have leverage, right?

*

We watch the movie Storks

Theo–Groans and falls off his chair, sinking to the floor in horror when all the babies appear

Bomber–Is horrified by the movie. She is also appalled that so many in the group enjoyed it greatly. “I’m going to go seek comfort from Theo. THEO!”

As you may have guessed, Theo is not widely considered to be the comforting type.

*

Theo–“I’m going to use an army of laser blimps to conquer Transylvania so I can make a live action version of Hotel Transylvania!”

*

Theo–“It’s a laser or a corn maze.”

Judah–“Those are the only options?”

*

Scruffy–Looking for his food–“Is it gone?”

Bomber–“Where did you put it?”

Scruffy–“On the coffee table.”

Bomber–“The most Leia-proof of locations!”

*

Scruffy–“Wood heat makes me drowsy. Also, life makes me drowsy.”

*

A discussion arises about how to get up the steep hill (Freese’s Hill) on the way to our house.

Theo–“You need to hit the hill at 40 MPH.”

Scruffy–“You definitely won’t hit a tree doing that!”

Theo–“I didn’t hit that tree, I grazed it, like a cow majestically descending upon it!”

*

Theo–Is hunched over eating a sandwich in his lair (desk).

Scruffy–“He looks like Gollum eating a fish!”

*

Theo–“I’m in the 99th percentile in IQ.”

Me–“And what are you going to do with that smartness?”

Theo–“EVIL!”

Bomber–“I would have bet all the money I own that would be his answer.”

Scruffy–“But what about wisdom?”

Theo–“My intelligence is 19, but my wisdom is 3 and I’m OK with that. Well, I’d prefer my intelligence be 20, but yo can’t get everything you want.”

*

Me–“Kanga and Theo, your hair is very similar in color.”

Theo–“Except mine is more victorious! Well, it depends which way the wind is blowing. Sometimes, it’s Golem-esk … cough, cough, cough.” Yes, he sometimes breaths in a piece of his long hair. The troubles that one with victorious hair faces are many!

*

Me–“Theo, I need help.”

Theo–“What?” Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Me–“I can’t reach the wine.” (I am attempting to cook Brazilian beans)

Theo–“Sigh.”

Scruffy–“Speaking of whine.”

Theo–“You called?”

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Theo–“When I take over the world, I will allow Memeland to continue as an independent nation because Memeland is awesome. They are worthy!!!”

And what was my budding young tyrant listening to on his phone … 1960’s Paul Harvey.

*

Theo and Brennan wrestling for 2 minutes over soda.

Me–Encouraging them to not hurt one another.

Scruffy–“A little crying is good for you. Builds character.”

Judah–“My, what a terrible father.”

*

Judah–“Ignorance is not bliss. Anyone who says that is ignorant.”

*

Judah–Having trouble explaining something.

Theo–“You no word good!”

Judah– … stares at brother and continues to explain.

Theo–“You no word good!”

Judah–… continues

Theo–“Words … blah!”

*

Brennan–“Global warming.”

Epona–“It’s great for people like me who are easily frozen.”

Theo–“Corn maze!”

*

Brennan–“In my basketball game, I got smooshed by two people running from each side. My rib-holder hurts.”

Epona–“You mean your sternum?”

Brennan–“I’m feeling better.”

Scruffy–“I hurt my sternum once and it hurt for months. Good luck!”

Me–“Did you go to the doctor?”

Scruffy–“Ha, I was in my 20’s.”

Brennan–“Well, I didn’t get run into by 20-year-old muscle hams!”

*

Brennan–“What is Downton Abbey?”

Scruffy–“It’s basically Fire Emblem set in Britain.”

Epona–“I’m 90% rage, right now!”

*

Theo–Opening his Christmas present which was a raven skull walking cane–“Mwahahaha! I feel that I should be resurrecting dinosaurs or something!”

*

Judah–Working on his Lego–“This is ridiculously complex. I love it!”

*

Scruff breaks a belt and tosses it aside. I find it.

Me–“Is this the belt that was broken?”

Judah–With a smirk–“Are you going to reforge the belt that was broken?”

*

Scruffy–About to start a video game that Judah has been teaching him.

Judah–“Dad, are you dong better today? Last time you refused to make any decisions on your own.”

*

Theo–Telling us about the strange new animals he has discovered online.

Scruffy–“I believe a lot of things about Australia, but I have trouble believing in a possum-eating spider.”

Theo–“I’ll believe anything about Australia.”

*

Theo–“I haven’t had enough cheese today to be this evil.”

Me–“Cheese is evil?”

Theo–“Cheese is the root of all evil!”

*

Theo–Applies online to sell his face to robot manufacturers.

Theo–“Bomber, have you sold your face to the robot people?”

*

I clean a spot for the Christmas tree. Then tell the boys, “Don’t you dare put anything there.”

Later, I find a piece of paper sitting directly in the center of the clean spot. On the paper is written a single word in Brennan’s handwriting, “Anything.”

*

Theo–“Achoobljsfsbbbp!”

Theo–“Achoooogrrrrr!”

Epona–“Was that a sneeze?”

Theo–“I’m the evil midnight bomber what bombs at midnight … of course it was a sneeze!”

*

Me–“Where is your shirt?”–seeing that he has wrapped a blanket around his bare chest.

Theo–“I don’t have a shirt … but someone stole my phone and replaced it with a small green monkey!” Bomber or Kanga put baby Yoda Lego in place of phone.

Epona–“Are you releasing your inner Roman by wearing that toga?”

Theo–“There’s a reason Romance has Roman in it!”

*

Judah–“I don’t understand how your voice can have such volume.”

Theo–“That’s not volume. That’s corn maze!!!”

*

Theo–“Surfing with victory on a wave of …” he thinks for a moment, “something cool!”

*

Theo–“I need my phone … sniff”

Bomber–“I think he’s sniffing for his phone.”

Epona–“This alarms me. What does your phone smell like?”

*

Theo–“Mirrors do not reflect time.

Bomber–“What if I set a mirror by my herb garden?”

*

Theo–“Can I hath muncheth and cruncheth of the yellow goodness?” –Chips

*

Theo–Contentedly–“Food makes the sun shine a little less.”

*

Theo–“In America I’m … a medium level minion and a level seven consumer.”

*

Theo–“I don’t have an evil lair, therefore I cannot scheme.”

*

Kanga–“I want cookies today.”

Theo–“You’re such a child, Kanga.”

*

Scruffy–“Bacon is forever.”

Boo Boo–“Bacon may not last forever, but it does last a very long time.”

*

Camo Man–“Wherever there is a good shovel, there is hope.” climbing onto Grandpa’s woodshed to shovel off 5 feet of snow.

*

Scruffy–speaking to Judah while he drives–“Can you drive a winter road while dodging a rubber chicken?” Menaces oldest son with chicken while he is driving, but does not actually attack … for safety reasons.

*

Bomber–“I am worried for the safety and wellbeing of my velociraptor?” She made one out of a sticky note.

*

Scruffy–“Dauntless, are you here next weekend?”

Dauntless–In a very sad voice–“No, I’ll be in Hawaii.”

*

Judah–“Brennan, put my sword back! I don’t trust you. Never do that again!”

Brennan had simply picked it up.

*

Scruffy–“Wait! None of these movies have zombies in them!”

Kanga–“Or monsters.”

Scruffy–“Well … that depends how comfortable you are with the animation in Storks.”

*

Epona–“In heaven, I am most excited to sword fight the angels because no one will be able to get hurt! It would be like Smash Bros … but in real life.”

*

Scruffy–“There are worse things than facial hair.”

‘Merica–“Yeah, taxes.”

*

Scruffy–speaking of Boo Boo–“I have to make her mad a lot, so she’ll remember me when I’m gone.”

*

Epona–“At least in heaven I’ll be able to fight all the bears I want without dying.”

*

Theo–“I have not been bitten by any technological snakes.”

*

Me–“I will be victorious, I will pull your pants up!” –Yes, our blond son was wearing scandalously low trousers to school and I chased him around the house with a belt. Thankfully, his father got him a black studded belt that is properly ominous and he has condescended to wear it. This was before that belt.

*

Bomber to Epona–“Much to Epona’s chagrin, I think that any chocolate is lint flavored if you leave it in your pocket long enough.”

*

Epona–“Why would you have to run efficiently when you’re pretending to be a horse, Judah!”

*

Bomber–“If it will give you preace of mind–

Judah–“–My mind is in so many pieces.”

*

Scruffy–speaking about winter driving–“He’s not going to die. This could be a mistake he learns from. If you die, that’s a mistake you’ll never make again.”

*

Scruffy–to Theo after another chopping incident with new knives–“If you loose your thumb–“

Bomber–“You are one more step away from being a raccoon.”

*

Bomber–talking about Theo and Brennan being back at school–“It’s so inconvenient when your minions start getting an education!”

*

Kanga–“It’s either logic or philosophy.”

Theo–“Well, I don’t like flossing.”

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

Me–“Theo, I’ve got to measure you for your tux.”

Theo–“Yeah, if I die.”

Me–“Not for your funeral, for band.”

Judah–Gives exasperated sigh. “Mom, he’s in a video game.”

Ahhhh, that does make more sense. If he dies, in the video game, he will be available for measurements. What does it say about me that I automatically presumed he thought I was getting him a tux for his funeral???

*

Scruffy–“Theo, you need to do a better job of cleaning your desk.”

Theo–“You act as if I tried to clean it!”

*

Me–“Are you done with that?” I point at his bowl of chili.

Theo–“No.”

Me–“Then work on those beans instead of sitting on your brother!”

*

Me–“Did you know your history teacher graduated with Dad?”

Theo–“Yeah, and he’s like 900 years old. He taught almost all the other teachers in school. I did a pre-test on the first day of school and I did the best out of anyone because I play video games!” He then marched up to the teacher, told him the reason his grade was so good, and demanded to know why they were not playing video games in class! — It is true that Rome Total War does appear to have been solidly researched. I never would have known about “incendiary pigs” without it. Now I can never unlearn this knowledge.

*

Me–“Be careful with Dad’s book (Dracula). It’s looking pretty sad.”

Theo–“That’s because it’s ancient, like him, and Brennan used it.”

*

Brennan–“What is this subject, Italian Math? Am I learnig how to make a baguette or say psghetti?” Yes, he carefully told me how one spells psghetti.

*

Me–“I suppose I did drive faster as a teenager.”

Judah–“Well, of course!”

Me–“What?”

Judah–“I can’t imagine any teen alive driving as slow as you.”

*

Theo–“Brennan, are you blind or suffering some sort of brain damage?”

*

Scruff does this thing that annoys the boys to no end. He will ask them if they want ice cream or a popsicle or a drumstick. Then if they say yes, he tells them to go ahead and get the treat for everyone out of the freezer way out in the generator shed. They have gotten wise to his trickery and usually stop themselves before saying yes. However, he has gotten even more tricky.

Scruffy–“Brennan, do you want a drumstick?” As he asks this question, he opens the door to the small indoor freezer above our fridge.”

Brennan–“Yeah!”

Scruff–“Great! Can you go out to the freezer and get it?”

Brennan–Stares at the indoor freezer, looks at his dad, sighs and heads outside.

*

Theo–“I’m crushing!!!” –He is sitting at his desk/lair playing computer games.

Bomber the Intern–“Ha, for a moment I thought you meant crushing as in crushing garlic or something.”

Theo–“Yeah, here I am in my apothecary, crushing garlic.” –Interestingly, I see writer friends wondering how to write authentic teen dialogue. Little did they know that a fifteen-year-old boy just might insert “apothecary” into his everyday speech.

*

Me–“Brennan, are you the one who massacred this butter? Because you can get butter without hurting it.” –Our interns informed me that I should add this quote. I suppose it does give a snapshot of our life and how mothers of teen boys must defend the cause of butter and other foodstuffs lest they be mangled.

*

Theo–“I am like hand sanitizer. I have a 99% effectiveness rate with food!”

Judah–“I thought it was because you take something that normal people drink and take it to a lethal level.”

*

Brennan–“Did you know that when Starlink satellites reach the end of their lifetime, they will yeet themselves into the earth (burning up in the atmosphere) to prevent space garbage?” I so love teen vocabulary, how they combine complex ideas and funny words and lots of drama.

*

Judah–“Thank you for inviting me into the kitchen to cook, Mom. My friends never get invited into the kitchen. It’s like everyone thinks the kitchen is just for girls.” Priceless mom moment of the decade! I had no idea when forcing him to learn to cook that he appreciated my efforts. You never know, moms. You never know.

*

Theo–“In the original Hebrew, the first word of Genesis doesn’t mean ‘in the beginning.’ It’s, ‘In a beginning.’ Which means!” He looks expectantly at us as though the answer is obvious. “It may be possible for me to become a reality-hopping, universe consuming entity!” –Ah, we should have guessed.

The post Boy Quotes appeared first on KristenJoyWilks.com.

During our Mother’s Day Hike

Scruff–“Be sure to dive in front of the cougar to save your Mom.” –There was no cougar, they were just talking cougar-evasion strategies.

Theo–“I’d be fine if she was eaten.”

Scruffy–“You don’t have to run faster than the cougar, just faster than your mom.”

Judah–“Effortless.”

Theo–“I can walk faster than she runs.”

Um … Happy Mother’s Day to me?

Also on our Mother’s Day Hike, Scruffy is annoying the boys purposefully.

Scruff–“Is that the top or a toupee?”

Me–“Could you repeat that? I thought you said toupee?”

Scruff–“I did.”

Judah–“It is a toupee, its a false top.”

We were indeed approaching a false summit … or a toupee.

Theo–“He’s like five-years-old mentally and 100 physically.

Theo–“Why would I date when I could spend my time trying to take over the world?”

Theo–“I had the weirdest dream last night where I was @ my desk playing games and I had a bowl of cereal and I left it all night and I came back and it was all gross. Yeah, it was a dream … .” Insert a smirk after this sentence. Theo’s desk has become his evil lair where he both makes plans to take over the world and eats snacks in a fiendish manner. Yep, sometimes we catch Princess Leia Freyja sniffing very enthusiastically through his desk area and then we know to nag him about cleaning it.

Theo–“Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. They call it Trash Cans not Trash Can’ts!”

Theo–Brings a jar of coconut oil to his brother and says in a mad scientist voice–“Judah, become one with the coconut oil! Become ONE!!!”

Theo– Confesses to drinking some vinegar out of the cupboard. “My blood is vinegar now.”

Judah–You became one with the vinegar.”

Me–“That Hawaiian shirt with the black background matches lots of your things.”

Theo–“Like my blackened heart?”

Theo–“OK, I’ll try it no matter how weird it might be.”

Judah–“Look who’s talking? No one has eaten more weird things than you. Stuff we didn’t’ even think was edible, like cleaning vinegar, all those cooking experiments, and U.S. currency.”

Theo–You old people have no sense of fashion.”

I try to write down the time for the boys appointments on their hands so that they will remember. Theo objects and says that he will for sure remember. I tell him that I would forget if I didn’t write things down.

Theo–“It’s because you have no memory. You’re like a goldfish. You forget your whole life after three seconds!”

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Theo–“When you think about it, easers die because of your mistakes. If you mess up enough, you destroy an eraser. It makes you feel evil on a whole new level!”

Scruffy–“This is the worst instruction manual ever.”

Theo–“That’s just like Legos.”

Scruffy–Pauses to look closely at his middle son in thought … . “You’re good at Legos!”

Me–“If you start washing your hair every three days, it would stop needing to be washed every day.”

Judah–“Are you telling him to wash it less!”

Theo–“Washing it every day makes it fluffy.”

Judah–“He likes it fluffy, Mom.”

Me–“Let me use the bathroom real fast before you shower.”

Judah–“I don’t think you’ve ever done that in your life.”

Brennan–“Mom, I took one pill from each day of the week!” He holds up his now un-organized pill organizer.

Me–“What?” Staring in horror.

Judah–“That sounds like a lot of work for no good reason.”

Brennan–“It annoys Mom.”

Judah–“That’s fair.”

Me–Working on a job description for our new camp maintenance director–“Chasing squirrels, mice, rats, bats, ravens, ants, and other creatures out of the camp buildings.”

Scruffy–“That’s all under ‘Pest Control’. You’ve turned this job description into a RomCom!”

Me–“Mine was more exciting.”

Brennan–“You told Theo he couldn’t have chocolate life and then you offered it to Epona!”

Me–“Epona’s not my child.”

Theo–“I can act like I’m not your child!

Me–“Ow, my back just zinged.”

Judah–“Congratulations on being old.”

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