In November of 2020, my youngest son, my baby, passed me in height. It was a proud moment for him, a bittersweet moment for Scruff and I.

How do we love these tall young men who pack our tiny home with uproar, video games, and sarcastic comments? It is tempting to look back on the pre-school years and try fix all the mistakes we made back then by loving them like pre-schoolers now. But we were given that golden and insane thunderstorm for only a short time. 

It is tempting to look back on the middle grade years, see our successes and failures, and strive to be the perfect parents of active young boys. More patient with mud, more time letting them try new things, more moments listening to discoveries and planning adventures together. But we had our chance with our rowdy pack of boys and those days are gone no matter how well or badly we did.

What we do have, carefully cupped in our hands, are a few priceless years as the parents of three teenage sons. I dare not waste these precious moments grieving over my mistakes with the toddlers that are gone. 

It can be difficult though, since right as Scruff and I started to feel like experts with toddlers, they became middle-graders. Then it happened again. As our confidence in raising school-aged children peaked, we blinked and found ourselves surrounded by teenagers. 

And so more learning is required. 

Scruffy and I have worked with teens at camp since before we were married. Strangely, parenting teens is much different than teaching and leading teens in a summer of ministry. I used to stand amazed at the parents of our teenage volunteers. Why did they treat these competent workers for Christ like children? Well, now I realize that when you look at your teenager, you actually see them in your head at all the various ages that they have been. You literally see children, even when they are taller than you.

Also, teens are at their most mature when they are away from home being given responsibility by an adult who is not their parent. At home, these same teens often act like children. It was a shock when I first overheard one of our most mature girl counselors talking with her dad on the phone. A godly young leader morphed to whiny and angry teen in an instant. 

So how on earth am I supposed to do this, make my love tall enough for these three young men who slouch about our tiny home?

A tall love looks ahead. It helps to envision exactly what I’m preparing them to achieve, face, and become. The shorter and perhaps sweeter love of a toddler mom, keeps her little ones out of dangerous environments. But a tall love knows that kids face adult decisions as early as sixth grade. If I want my sons to grow strong enough to say, “no thank you” when a friend offers them drugs, then I dare not shush or shut them down when they disagree and argue with me. 

A tall love urges them to think for themselves, express differences of opinion, and stand with their head held high when others don’t share a dearly-held belief. Even when those “others” are my husband and I.

A tall love does not brainwash. A tall love is not a mechanic doing basic maintenance on three mindless robots. A tall love is more like a park ranger, tending vast and wild landscapes of incredible beauty and value.

I’m preaching to myself here.

Teens still require a great deal of parenting. “Why is there a D on your report card? No, I am not fine with you using the kitchen at 3:00AM to make soup. Yes, you are allowed to disagree but strive to do so without making me cry.” With all of this parenting to accomplish, it is easy to forget that it must be done in a way that gives them strength to stand on their own. It is so easy to hover instead of set free. It is easy to nag instead of hold them accountable. It is easy to preach instead of hold a fiery discussion.

As Scruff has pointed out before, if I want my seventeen-year-old to be competent at college just twenty months from now, I should give him responsibility now. Have him work for camp, be in charge of his brothers while we are on a date, drive on snowy days, and learn to safely shoot a gun and use a chainsaw. Yeah, as I pointed out to Scruff, one mistake with a chainsaw could be the mistake that takes a limb. “Do you want someone else to teach him?” Scruff asked.

Tall love is hard. But it is exactly the kind of love that God gives us. Parenting teens reminds me why God calls us to remain in Him instead of using the Heavenly equivalent of the Vulcan mind meld. If I want to see these tall young men of mine follow their Lord with strength and wisdom, well, my love must grow tall too.

John 15:1-2–“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”

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As one’s adorably rambunctious sons turn into charmingly grumpy teens, it can be difficult to find fun things to do with them that they still love. I used to take them out to jump in puddles, literally roll in the mud, dig in the gravel pile with their trucks, or attempt the five mile trek around the meadow on their tricycles. Yes, they actually wanted to do this and we tried, we really did, ha!

But when the love of catching snakes fades (which is so sad as I am really awesome at catching snakes … just ask Becca Whitham!) and the joys of battling aliens on screen seems to overshadow all, moms have to scramble for something awesome to do with their sons. Thus, the Mom Movie Night was born.

I heard about movie nights in a conversation with a friend and immediately knew this was an activity my sons would love for as many years as I was willing to do it. Nothing thrills a teen like tossing good sense and normal motherly behavior out the window. Moms say not to stay up late, watch too much TV, or to eat sugary snacks at 3:00AM. Therefore, doing all of the above with your Mom = pure delight!

And so, once a year, in the summer when Scruffy is usually working seven days a week and is not available … I get to be the fun parent! You know those recipes that your kids always want you to try? The wildly time-consuming ones that use weird ingredients that you never have on hand and take three hours to prepare. You always intend to find a time to make them, as a treat, on a day that you have hours and hours to spare in order to sculpt tiny Han Solos out of tootsie rolls, press them into ice cream bars, and cover them in chocolate so that you can eat a confection that looks very much like good old Han frozen in carbonite … but the day never comes. 

Well, that is the first step to planning a Mom Movie Night of your own. Allow your very own grumpy teen to choose any recipe that their adorably sarcastic little heart desires. Warning: they might choose something really weird. Like a watermelon frosted like a cake. We usually go to our handy dandy Star Wars cookbook as it contains many recipes that I don’t usually have time for, including the Han Solo ice cream bars mentioned above. So, the boys choose one treat and one drink and I shop for the ingredients and make the treats in secret. I also purchase a movie for each boy and keep it ready for our movie night.

Then I make sure that everyone goes to bed at a reasonable time and I go to bed early, setting my alarm for 3:00AM. I awaken, stumble to the kitchen, and get out our snack and drink. I pop the movie into the player, and then awaken the son that matches this particular show and snack. Teens are very difficult to get up on school mornings. They are amazingly easy to wake up when you mention that you have made chocolate cheesecake balls and ice cream sodas.

Then in the dark quiet of the early morning, you and your teen get to throw reason out the window for one special day. We grab blankets and curl up on the couch, watch a movie at an insane time of day that no reasonable adult would sanction, and eat an incredibly sugary snack on an empty stomach. You can see why I only do this once a year … but it is worth having my “fun parent” tradition that every single one of my charmingly grumpy teenage sons adores! It is worth it my friend. For the small small price of a little sleep deprivation, a nerve-twitching sugar overload, and hours of prep in the kitchen, I have found something my sons have no intention of outgrowing. When you really think about it, that is utterly priceless!

This year’s treats are as follows:

Judah–Mos Icely (a fruit granita made with six large oranges) and Echo Base Frozen Lemonade (the best lemonade ever, made with 5 lemons a ton of sugar and frozen to perfection).

Theo–After the excitement of Asteroid Attack (yes, I caught the pan on fire trying to fry ice cream) he ends up choosing the same treats as his brother. Mos Icely and Echo Base Frozen Lemonade. Yum!

Brennan– Chewie Chocolate Cheesecake Pops were a new one for me and delightfully decadent. Then Brennan chose an old favorite, Cloud City Ice Cream Floats. With a homemade blueberry sauce and vanilla ice cream, you can’t go wrong!

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